Hate To See Your Heart Break
by Trekkerpoet29
Summary: a J/C songfic inspired by Paramore's fantastic song "Hate To See Your Heart Break". Two-shot.
1. Kathryn Janeway

"Hate To See Your Heart Break"

a J/C songfic inspired by Paramore's fantastic song. The song lyrics are italicized, and I do not own them, I do not own the characters, but I do own the plots of these fics.

Kathryn Janeway

Resolutions—Coda—Night—Endgame

Opening up was both tougher and easier than I thought. Chakotay's Ancient Legend helped, as did the time out of the command structure. With each day, I felt a bit freer, a bit more relaxed. The smiles were a bit quicker to come, and a bit brighter.

Then the comm. Badges.

_There is not a single word in the whole world _

_That could describe the hurt_

_The dullest knife just sawing back and forth_

_And ripping through the softest skin there ever was_

I can't help but feel that we should have known. We were Starfleet Officers, after all. Who were we to hope? Who were we to play pretend as if we had the rest of our lives to plan for ourselves?

_How were you to know?_

_Oh, how were you to know?_

_And I, I hate to see your heart break_

Chakotay probably doesn't think that I noticed, or that leaving New Earth affected me in the same way that it affected him. He was happy to live in the now on the planet, happy to do physical work, the products of which he could see and quantify, the opposite of work on a ship like Voyager. I knew how it was hurting him. I should have done more…

_I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close_

_But I've been there before_

_And I, I hate to see your heart break_

_I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close_

_But I've been there before_

I should have done more. I didn't know how. Everything was different. It was more pronounced when we got back to the Bridge. I didn't know what to do, so I tried to get back to the pre-New Earth status quo. Admittedly, splitting the reports was the least tactful way of going about that, but I didn't know what to do.

_Love happens all the time_

_To people who aren't kind_

_And heroes who are blind_

_Expecting perfect scripted movie scenes_

_Who wants an awkward silent mystery?_

_How were you to know?_

_Well, how were you to know-oh-oh?_

We didn't ask for any of it to happen. It just happened to us, and instead of treating it like the gift it was, I made sure that nothing and no one could undermine the life I'd made. We didn't know, we couldn't grasp it while it was ours to hold, ours to touch… Nothing lasts forever; we should know that by now. Chakotay's, "Yes, ma'am" spoke volumes more than anything he may or may not have said off duty. Not that he said much to me when we first got back to the ship.

_And I, I hate to see your heart break_

_I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close_

_But I've been there before_

I watched you. I couldn't speak to you or touch you or tell you that I wasn't gone. I saw you cradling my body, and I knew. I didn't think that you still felt that way when we were back on Voyager. You and I, we had our lives back, and yours meant that you could love someone else, someone who could give you what you needed. I knew I never could, but I felt it, too, and I couldn't deny that. I'd always known that you could command Voyager, that you could get her home in my absence. I trusted you with my life. I trust you with my life. I know that you never would have accepted that Voyager was fully yours. I know the pain you would have felt each day, commanding my ship without me.

_And I, I hate to see your heart break_

_I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close_

_But I've been there before_

Each night for the last five years, I have revisited the decision. Sometimes, it haunts me. Sometimes, I try to imagine my life without you, B'Elanna, Tom, Neelix… We are a family. We may never have found each other if not for my decision to destroy the Array… But the wrong stars surrounded our ship to guide us home, and now even they have forsaken us.

_For all the air that's in your lungs_

_For all the joy that is to come_

_For all the things that you're alive to feel_

_Just let the pain remind you hearts can heal_

_Oh, how were you to know? (How were you to know?)_

The Admiral's intervention gave us the opportunity to live our lives. She got us home, and Tuvok will not loose his logic, and Chakotay… He won't have to watch Seven, his wife, die in his arms. She spared him what would have been unspeakable pain. We made it back home with more of our crew alive than the Admiral's Voyager did. They, us, we had our lives ahead of us. And Chakotay, within months of our homecoming, had decided that he didn't want to wait for someday anymore. Someday slipped through our hands and shattered on the floor. I felt like the Bridge had been depressurized and sent out into space when I saw him next to her. The Admiral saved us at the expense of me. I don't know that I'll ever be able to recover. How could you? How could you have known? How, my love?

_Oh, how were you to know?_

I have to be happy for you. It is my duty as your Captain and as your friend. I have hated myself each time I hurt you.

_And I, I hate to see your heart break_

_I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close _

_But I've been there before_

_And I, I hate to see your heart break_

_I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close_

_But I've been there before._


	2. Chakotay

"Hate To See Your Heart Break"

a J/C songfic inspired by Paramore's fantastic song. The song lyrics are italicized, and I do not own them, I do not own the characters, but I do own the plots of these fics.

Chakotay

Resolutions—Fair Haven—Counterpoint—Workforce

_There is not a single word in the whole world_

_That could describe the hurt_

_The dullest knife just sawing back and forth_

_And ripping through the softest skin there ever was_

_How were you to know?_

_Oh, how were you to know?_

Kathryn, I started to feel my heart falling when I first saw you on the viewscreen. I felt as though the currents running between our bodies when I beamed onto the bridge of our ship could power the warp core all the way back to the Alpha Quadrant. My heart leapt when you held your hand out to mine after I told you the "Ancient Legend." Now I know that you could never stop being the Captain. I knew it when she retreated.

_And I, I hate to see your heart break_

_I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close _

_But I've been there before_

_Love happens all the time_

_To people who aren't kind_

Kashyk. It was so much worse than when Q wanted you to have his baby. It drove me to endless rounds of boxing on the Holodeck. I think I boxed more then than when I was on Boothby's boxing team at the Academy. I told you that I'd found peace in you, in standing by your side and easing your burdens. What I didn't know was that I'd loose my peace to a rage stronger than the one that led me to join the Maquis every time you were in danger or another man sniffed around you. And when other men found you reciprocating their feelings… The rage consumed me completely.

_And heroes who are blind_

_Expecting perfect scripted movie scenes_

_Who wants an awkward silent mystery?_

_How were you to know?_

The only thing worse than your passing dalliance with Kashyk was Michael Sullivan. Sixty-five years knowing that you were playing with him on the Holodeck… Some nights, when you were asleep in your quarters and I was tossing and turning, I'd go to the Holodeck and use Michael as my punching bag. It was a good thing that holograms didn't sustain injuries or even bruise, because he'd have been a perpetual bloody pulp if he'd been a human. You couldn't have known what you were doing to me. And eventually, you denied yourself his holographic comfort. You didn't say anything, but I knew. I could see it in your eyes. I wanted to protect you from everything.

_Oh how were you to know?_

_Well, how were you to know-oh-oh?_

_And I, I hate to see your heart break_

_I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close_

_But I've been there before._

Quarra. My heart shattered when you were so happy there. Living a life that could never be yours because of the career you chose, the career I thought you loved. You didn't remember anything of the life you'd left behind, unlike on New Earth. You were a different Kathryn. Happy, settled, working a job with normal hours that allowed you to go home and be with someone you loved.

_And I, I hate to see your heart break_

_I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close_

_But I've been there before_

_For all the air that's in your lungs_

_For all the joy that is to come_

_For everything that you're alive to feel_

_Just let the pain remind you hearts can heal_

_Oh, how were you to know? (How were you to know?)_

I couldn't help but ask you—on the Bridge, I couldn't handle asking you in private—if you were sorry I'd come to "rescue" you. You said no, but once again, I'd hurt you. I gave you love you would not, or could not, reciprocate, I'd made you aware of the times you'd bruised my heart with other men, and now I'd taken you away from a fully formed, however brief it was, life free of the weight of command. One day, I want to heal your heart, not be the reason it cracks open.

_Oh, how were you to know?_

_And I, I hate to see your heart break_

_I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close_

_But I've been there before_

_And I, I hate to see your heart break_

_I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close_

_But I've been there before._


End file.
